"Say it to me. Say it," he spat at me. "Say fuck you and mean it."
We sat at the bar top and he was five tequilas deep. Dive-bar sized shots. "Breakfast" for me was an omelette with cheese and garlic, and his was liquor and Pacifico beer backs. The past few times we had hung out together, he had expressed his distaste in the fact that if he said something rude, in a "joking" manner, that I wouldn't fire back with something equally as rude. "That isn't me," I would tell him.
"I'd fuck any chick in this bar right now," he drunkenly explained to me. "You'd have to be 500 pounds for me to not want to fuck you."
I've known this for a while, but have vehemently denied it. I let people take advantage of me because I have "nice girl" personality. I am desperate for people to like me, and will literally bend over backwards for people if it means they will see me more favorably. So the thought of being outwardly rude or mean to someone turns my stomach, and I find it a near impossible task.
However, I think the point that my rebound was trying to make, albeit in a wildly inappropriate manner, was that I need to stop letting people use me as a doormat. As girls, we are raised to be cordial, to be peaceful, to avoid conflict. But this doesn't mean that you shouldn't stand up for yourself.
Once again, I found myself in a situation with another guy using me for my money, my great ass, and my overwhelming desire to please. Guys like to push to see what they can get away with, and with me- it happens to be a lot. There were many nights he got WAY too drunk and said some pretty vile, demeaning shit to me. What I should have done was said an actual fuck you, and left. To have some shred of self respect. And yet, I found myself in the same pattern as before. Reasoning with myself and making excuses for inexcusable behavior. "I think my threshold for bullshit is abnormally high," I laughed, sadly.
But I shouldn't have been laughing. Looking back I've now realized that I am not ready to date. Falling back into the same patterns as before, my brain lied to my heart with wild abandon, simply for the singular pleasure of feeling desired. It didn't matter that I bought lunch, dinner, gas money for his car, alcohol... literally EVERYTHING in our short time together. My brain was utterly high off the chance to have someone sleep next to me. It didn't matter that he was a lying, mooch of a boy who's "self employed" descriptor on Tinder meant that he grew weed in his basement. My brain made excuses. "Oh he's respectful and doesn't drink that much around me!" I would tell my friends. Lies!
I was dating a boy who was still very clearly in love with his ex wife. They would text each other constantly. I once met up with him and he was drunk as hell with a few of his friends. His phone buzzed and he started laughing. "Hey check this out," he said, and showed me his phone. On it was a picture of a girl posing suggestively.
"Umm... what is that?"
"I told this chick to send me a sexy picture," he laughed.
"When did you do that?"
"Ten minutes ago," he took the phone back. My heart sank and my face grew hot with jealousy. "It's like, not even sexy!" He said and burst into laughter. Moments later, he received a text from his ex wife. "Ha! It's Stacey! Here, text something back!" I threw the phone back at him and said, "I'm not playing that game," and the girlfriend of his friend just looked at me sadly and nodded in approval. I sat a little straighter and tried to act all cool girl about it, but inside I was dying. Face red with shame that he would do this to me.
After we decided to become official, that we would be girlfriend and boyfriend *giggles*, I asked him if he still had Tinder on his phone. He hesitated, then said, "Yes."
"What? Why?" I asked, heart hitting the floor.
"Because if you and I don't work out I don't want to lose all these girls that will have sex with me."
"Well are you talking to anyone?"
"Yes. But it's not like I'm trying to meet up with anyone," he assured me. I've never felt so sick in my life.
All the signs were there. I didn't start writing this with the intention of making him look bad. I simply started writing little things that happened during our short time together, and this is what came out. I told everyone what a great guy he was and what was he, really? Another fucking shitty guy. A really, really shitty one. Little dick mother fucker.