Social media is both a blessing and a curse. While it lets me reconnect with friends that I may otherwise not see on a day to day basis, say, people I've met in foreign countries... It also lets me reminisce about the good friends that I've had, and ultimately lost due to some flaw in my character that makes me unusually abrasive and irresponsible. Vain, with a dash of "I'm the only person in the world that matters" thrown into the melting pot of horrible idiosyncrasies, it emits a smell so unpleasant that no one could possibly stand the stench long enough to tough out being a friend of mine.
I think this is why I prefer travelling- brief, intense bonds form between people thrown into the in-betweens of the world. No one travelling really belongs to a certain culture at that point, but live together in a transitory period of unreality that forces the habitants to melt together in an unending and enduring friendship. Personal contact is limited, which is perfect for me since I seem to be better on paper than in person. Also because most of the time spent together is either drunk or committing some insane activity that for the rest of our lifetime interactions will most likely be spent reminiscing on said crazy activities.
My whole life I've been quiet, shy, totally introspective. My parents, worried that they may have some sort of serial killer on their hands, pushed me into anxiety-inducing social situations where they told me the key to making friends was to ask people about themselves. I still believe this to be true, I'm just not as good at it anymore. I blame my Mom for committing the horrendous act of abandoning me through death and therefore sent me into a tailspin of self pity and selfishness. It's hard to care about anyone else when you could give a shit less about your own self.
Anyway so back to social media- I was perusing Facebook, as I typically do for at least an hour upon waking up, and came upon a pocket of old college besties who I thought would be my friends for at least another ten years or so, long enough for us to drift apart. However, at some breaking point, and I'm not even positive how it happened, I was no longer welcome within the group. What causes a solid friendship with so many people to all of a sudden be shattered? We went through some tough fucking shit together, too. Like, death and shit. But despite all that, the bonds that I thought held us together were apparently unreciprocated.
The only thing I can blame it on would maybe be my alcohol abuse. (Thanks a fucking lot, Mom.) The mere thought that it could have been the cause of shattering friendships with these amazing people makes me so unbearably sad. I see pictures of them on Facebook now and they all look so happy and accomplished in pictures with each other. Traveling the world, holding good jobs, engaged to their college sweethearts, competing in Triathlons... when did these people completely eclipse me in the winning-at-life game? What the fuck have I done? Drank myself into debt and poor health, held a few service industry jobs, had a couple two week relationships... Fuck me. It's never fun to wake up and realize, no- it wasn't them being assholes, it was me and my stupid fucking addiction that drained my health, finances, and motivation to do anything positive in the world.
Good on them. In a way I'm glad they ditched me- they didn't need someone like me dragging them to Tryon Creek Bar & Grill every night so they could get wasted and fight with their boyfriends, like I did. In saying that- alcohol seems to be my over-21 crutch to essentially 'ask people about themselves'. Without alcohol, it is entirely possible that I may revert to being 12 years old without any friends. But at least maybe I'll gain some fucking self respect back. And maybe give these people that were once such a huge part of my life a little piece of mind. I don't know. I'm 24 years old. If not now, when?