I knew from our first conversation that it was probably a bad idea when he said, "Nothing lasts forever." It's not that I'm the marrying type, or the kind of person that thinks she could trick someone into loving her forever, but I do have a crippling fear that one day I will be too old for anyone to fuck me.
I've dealt with a few break ups in my time. Not very often, though, and this is based on the fact that I am a selfish person who thinks too highly of herself and therefore cannot put up with most people. I've had a few, "I guess I didn't realize how crazy you really were until just now and I'm forced to run away before any of that crazy rubs off on me," break ups and the usual "You drink too much," break up. But my all time favorite break up is the surprise break up.
It comes in many forms, but my favorite is when I've been traveling. On my way to Africa, my boyfriend at the time tells me, "you know, I think we can do this. I think we should stay together," which I thought was odd coming from the person who broke up with me every summer so that he himself could travel. I thought it was going to be ok at the time (I'd be gone for 4 months!), but SURPRISE! Here's a message sent via MYSPACE why I think we should no longer be together anymore. Are you fucking kidding me? I could have been fooling around with other travelers 4 weeks ago, you prick!
The break up following a trip was a pretty good surprise, too. Really? You couldn't have turned me back to the wild before I went? No? Too difficult? I literally sat there thinking he was one step away from saying "It's not you, it's me," to which I would have had to have thrown my coffee in his face because that's what the movies have told me to do. That entire thought process really did go through my head. These are the kinds of things I think about. What is wrong with me. Nothing like being told by someone that they would rather be alone then with the likes of me. That's a kick to the junk.
There's nothing like the all-consuming solitude that follows a break up in which I've managed to ignore all my other friends throughout the course of said relationship. Begging and crawling back to them, I of course have to listen to all their boring shit that has happened while I've been away before getting down to what I really want to talk about, which is myself, and of the horrible pain and why does this shit keep happening, blah blah blah. I'm exaggerating, but you get the point.
In any case, I'm sick of wallowing in this mud. I'm sick of feeling things that other people make me feel. I've forgotten that I am better off on my own. Why do guys always make me forget that I am a badass?